Thursday, January 7, 2016

New Beginnings

Bull Penners!!

*Listens to echos* lol

I can't imagine there's many of you left . And I don't blame those of you who have stepped away. The neglect I've treated my blog with is surely enough to drive me away as well. Lol.

But trust me folks, I am still blogging. However these days the posts aren't having the best luck leaving the note pad in my phone and finding their ways on to the pages of this blog.

However, I do have a few topics I want to share with you and I plan to throughout the course of the next couple of weeks. Needless to say, life has become a little more full than it has been in many years. I'm a dad now above all else (But I won't bore you with stories of fatherhood just yet because that's what FFZ is for) and I work an evening shift. In fact I'm blogging from work now. And I cannot tell you how strange it feels to be typing on an actual keyboard in front of a computer screen! Lol.

And I'm siure my supervisor is 10 feet behind me thinking "WTF is this nigga not working!?" Lmao. But it's almost 11pm. And 11pm is "Mentally clock out and Pretend to work" hour!

Anyway, I wanted to give ya a mini topic that has been on my mind for the passed couple of months. That topic ois progression.
One thing I NEVER do is make a New Year resolution. Mainly it's because I'm a proud under achiever. But it's also because I feel you shouldn't have to wait for the new year to arrive to start making changes. I mean, think about it, its October and you think to yourself "Come January, I'm gonna...." and then you die in November. Lord forbid of course, but you get my drift. However, I've always understood the concept. Understanding it didn't mean I was gonna do it though. Altough I did realize that my life needed a few changes for the better. So one thing I did do a few months ago, for the first time was write out a '5 Year plan.' Lol.

I laugh because as I'm writing this I'm realizing how much I've grown... I mean I JUST mentioned being an under achiever, and believe me I still am, but I see nopw that I can be an under achieber and still strive for something. In my case, the something in question is a better life for me and my family.

So I wrote out the 5 year plan. I'd heard people mention having one before and other suggesting that I should make one too and I never did because..... Again, under achiever. Lol
But one thing I know well about myself is: I do things when III want to do them, not when someone else tells me I should or suggests I should.
So, to be honest, I dodn't even remember when I worte the list out, but believe me when I tell you, having a goal(s) (especially written ones) really makes you want to achieve em. I hate cliches, but it's true. I mean shit, even Hov said it on "Anything" --"Set goals and you can achieve em." That nigga wasn't lying! Lol.

I put eight things on the list, and without even puttin forth much effort I accomplished two of them within the first 2 or 3 months. By month 6 I had crossed another off the list and just today I had a conversation with a friend who shares a similar interest and has a similar plan and just like that: the 4th thing is sure to be crossed off the list. I don't want to count my chickens early so I won't I'm only saying all of that to say that I am making slow progress, but I'm making progress nonetheless.

You'r probably wondering what the things on the list are, but another thing I've learned is to speak less and do more. Less announcement and more moves I believe is what Fabolous said! Lol.
Safe to say I've still been listenig to too much Hip-Hop.
No but seriously, I've felt myself accomplishing more in this passed year than I have in the passed 10. I know a big portion of it is the fact that I have a daughter now. I am the head of a family and that is thee most important factor of my life. Providing for them comes second to none.

I've also managed to start falling in love all over again.... With photography. Most may not know but I had a prime Lens on my primary camera that broke in December of last year. Due to financial issues and something always "Coming up" it took me an entire year to get it back but I got it back and I'm rolling again! I also bought a second hand 35mm film camera. A Canon AE-1 Program. I am now embarking on the same journey just taking a different route and the excitement I'm feeling is unmatched.

When its all said and done its safe to say that right now: Life is good. I'm enjoying every bit of my slow progress, I can't wait to knock more things off my list, add more, and just enjoy the ride!

For those of you who are still here with me, Thank You! I will have more topics to share and discuss in the upcoming weeks and months. For those of you who are done here, sorry.. Lol. But I'm still here and will be here for a while longer.

Stay Up and Stay Tuned

Sunday, September 6, 2015

I used to be Tough

I used to be Tough

"Yo I was scared of you, I would see you in the hallways and I swore that if I said the wrong thing to you I would get slapped"
-Rebeca Moore

Son! What has happened to the Bull!? Lol

What's going on ya? That quote is from a girl I was good friends with in High School and college. It was in reference to my demeanor. She's since seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth though. So if you see her or know where she may be tell her Eno said hello.

So the other day Buddy tagged me in this post.

The caption was something along the lines of "When you used to be tough but now you're a father" I laughed harder than.... I don't know what! I laughed because of the accuracy b! Lmao.

Check this out right: the quote you just read is only one of the many that I've heard in my day. I was always told I looked like I was going to slap someone, or was always told I need to smile and "Fix my Face" but what people failed to realize is that I was walking around with this screw face on purpose. I called it my "Outdoor Face" and I feel it protected me from a lot. Niggas handing out mixtapes, missionaries trying to get me to donate to some organization, people asking me for the time. You know, the bullshit!

However I think I might of lost some of that edge ever since Zairah was born. These days I'm smiling more, making silly ass baby voices and laughing at small shit. I think having a daughter has made me more inviting to people and I hate it. Lol

Case in point the other day at work, 3 completely different strangers felt comfortable enough with me to share life stories with me. I couldn't figure it out til I really stopped and thought about it. "Nigga you smiling at em, why wouldn't they stop and tell you about the last time they had to wait for the elevator!?" I was disgusted with myself. Lmao. Don't get me wrong I actually am a happy person and I always have been. Life is good! However I've made it this far because of my "Outdoor Face" it's kept strangers a little passed arms length and has served as a barrier between me and whatever sucker who felt he might want to test me. And it always worked. In fact I have a co-worker and good friend Bennie. Any time Bennie would see me in the hallway or coming back to the floor at work he would ask me "you ok man?" And I would reply "yeah why? What happened?" And he would proceed to tell me that I looked angry or like I wanted to kill someone. He hasn't asked me if I'm ok in reference to a mean look on my face in months. Lol

Nah G! I gotta get my ice grill back to what it was. I must be listening to too much Justin Timberlake and not enough Wu-Tang! But I'm about to bring back the mother fuckin ruckus! Tiger style! Lol

So what is it? I mean like I said Life is Good b. Maybe at some point I told myself out loud and just started smiling and laughing and making people think I'm some sweet ass Santa Clause type nigga. Maybe it's my job, you know how it is at work, they always want you smiling and making others comfortable. And to that I say "Fuck outta here, Fam!" Lol. Or maybe having a beautiful daughter has just softened me up! But how the hell am I supposed to put the fear of God in little boys with a smile on my face?

So last night Buddy asked if I had a black bandana or if I still had my prop gun. I looked at him with shame in my eyes. "Nah man, I ain't got none of that shit no more. I'm a father now b. I got rattles and a rubber ducky if you need it, but I need em back before bath time tomorrow. I'm a father now g!" We both laughed so hard! Damn son, I'm a father now. I used to be tough........

Lol! So I hereby vow to get back my "Outdoor Face" everyone from hoes to doctors will feel like they'll catch 5 hot fingers to the face if they even lock eyes with me. I'm gonna be tougher than Ving Rhames in those ADT commercials. Put a lil more bass in my voice and walk just a little bit stronger! No more jolly fat boy with the pillsbury dough boy laugh! Straight Thug Life nigga! Lol. Only those who know me personally will see the me for the gentle giant that I truly am.

So if you see me in the street, go the other way you heard. I ain't as friendly as you think! Lol


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

You Lost One

Bull Penners what's been up since we've last spoken!? I know it's been a while and I have no words other than sorry. Life has been happening around me and I've had very little time to document anything aside from Instagram lol.

But I digress. If you've been on Facebook lately than you've seen the new feature where it gives you your post this day in the past. Personally, I love the feature. It shows you how much you've grown and how you thought in the past as apposed to now. The feature also gives you old pictures that you posted., and that is where this blog post begins. Lol
Today a picture of an old friend of my brothers came up on the feed. He's an old friend for reason I feel I have no right to discuss (I don't share or spread other people's personal affairs) but it did remind me of the times when he was around. Needless to say he became my friend as well. Due to loyalty to my brother however we are no longer in contact.That reminded me however, of "friends" that I've lost in my life. And by lost I don't mean friends who have died but..... I'll explain.
I remember a time when my mom told me something along the lines of "You're real funny with your friends" and she didn't mean it like Ha-Ha, comedian funny. She wasn't lying but let me tell my side of things.

Naturally we outgrow our friends, don't we. The earliest friend (that wasn't blood related) that I could remember was Cory. Now, as I'm writing this I realize that Cory was the exact opposite of me. Lol. He was tall. slim. athletic, got excellent grades and was a serious ladies man! And this was all before 6th grade. I honestly can't remember what brought us together as friends but me being a great judge of character (even back then) I knew he was cool. I was right and from 5th grade (when I transferred to St. Joseph School-where he already was) til a bit passed 8th we were as they say 2 peas in a pod. We had the that usual elementary best friend relationship: "Did you see (girls name here) butt in her skirt today!?" "I'm gonna ask her out tomorrow" "Yo, did you see that game!?" "Look what I drew last night" "My mom said you can come over, bring (video game title here) I'm gonna bust ya ass this time" you know the usual.

But by high school we slowly began to drift apart as some friends do. We did what we could to maintain a friendship but you know how it goes. You're in high school and your focus changes from Playstation and Cartoons to Girls and their body parts! Lmao. Although to be honest I can remember being a little girl-crazy pervert at the age of 7 (first grade) and being completely infatuated with them by the time I was 11. Guess there's no wonder why I had a daughter. Dear God, please take it easy on me! Lol
But any attempt to maintain a friendship with my homie was mostly catching up and comparing stories of High School life. Somewhere along the lines tho the communication slowed down and before you knew it we just didn't speak anymore.

But Truthfully if Cory were to resurface and find his way to my doorstep today I would still welcome him with open arms and attempt to catch up!
And then there was another friend (who shall remain nameless-because no sucker I no longer rock with will earn any shine off me. Lol)

The other "friend" was one I met through Cory. Similar interests is what brought us all together. The other friend was the leach type. Would show up to my house before me, would invite himself to everything and naturally we just got cool. He was in my class so I already knew him we just weren't friends til Cory brought him around.

So I would say around the same time me and Cory were communicating a little less the other friend was beginning his Anti-Eno slander campaign with everyone from my neighbor (a girl we all hung out with who lived downstairs from me) to even Cory. Behind my back this guy started talking shit about me and I swear I NEVER did anything for him to feel any kind of negative way towards me. Believe me, if I did I would admit to it.I confronted him about the situation and of course he denied it. However I confirmed with a few other people and sure enough when I confronted him about it again it resulted in coming dangerously close to a fist fight that my mom had to break up (Lucky him) lol.

It took some time for me to realize that he was never a friend. Hence the quotation marks. But it comes back to my moms words. Me being funny with friends.But it's not so much that I'm funny it's more so that since a young age I've been able to live my life without depending on friendship from anyone. I mean think about it: I come from a family of damn near 120 people maybe even more. I have 5 handfuls of cousins make and female, my age, older and younger. I'm blessed. I don't need friends. And I know that may sound cruel but it's the Gods honest truth. I am grateful for every single friend I have and to those friends I say to you: if I consider you a friend I damn near consider you family. Wether I contact you every day or just see you on the next hangout, if you are a friend you are appreciated.
It's like they say though: we outgrow our friends, the people in your life are seasons and we all know that the seasons change.

I guess the point of what I'm saying is: yes, perhaps I am funny with friends. Or maybe the reality of it is I treat people how they treat me. And I've never commenced to maintaining any relationship with anyone that I've ever felt crossed me or disrespected me.

With all that said: later friends lol.


Monday, July 6, 2015

Selfish Part 2

When do you decide to be more selfish? When do you think to yourself fuck him/her, fuck that I'm going for mine.
I ask because there's something I want that (actually doesn't belong to anyone but) technically belongs to someone else.

I personally feel that I am a better fit for said something however I haven't got the slightest idea as to how to go about making it mine. I don't want to steal it, but maybe I do.

Which again raises the question, when do I decide to be more selfish!?

Selfish Part 1

I remember a conversation I had in which I was told that the word 'selfish' was widely misunderstood.

Yes, it can have a negative meaning, however upon further review it simply means to put ones self first or before others.
I myself am slowly learning to be more selfish, to put myself and my concerns before those of others. The reality of it is: if we aren't concerned for ourselves no one else will be. And if we don't do for ourselves we can't do for others.

Does that make sense?

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Where Do I Stand?

What's going on Bull Penners!?
I know it's been so long since I posted anything. It's almost safe to say that I don't post anymore. Truth of the matter is my adult life has left me with very little time to document unless it's my babies blog or InstaGram. Lol

But I'm here and I've had things in mind worth writing about.

More recently it's been the subject or the question rather of being happy. Are you wondering what I mean? Well I'll tell you: I was 18 years old when I first asked myself "What is my purpose in life? Why am I here?" (in fact I might have even written about it) and while I doubt I've yet to find the answer to that question, I do feel I've gotten closer to a meaning/answer.
I truly believe there is no point in asking the question but rather simply live and find happiness or die trying.

I like to think that I am a happy person and I don't believe in stress or whatever else. Granted we all encounter stress and we all have moments when we can't take the pressures of life, but even with all that I try to smile through the bullshit.

These passed couple of weeks however I've been wondering if I've been putting my own happiness above anyone else's? Am I living a life where I'm happy? On first thought the answer is yes. I have my daughter who I love more than life it's self, a girlfriend who loves me like cooked food and the air in my lungs. What more could I ask for?

But I remain inquisitive. I believe that in making others happy (which I try to do often) you can easily lose yourself and become..... Not so happy.

Example: there's something out there that I want, and I've been reluctant to reach out and go all the way in my pursuit for fear of stepping on someone else's toes so to speak. Should it be that way? If I feel that acquiring this thing will make me happy, should I a give a flyin' ish about anyone else's toes? Should I be more selfish? Lol. A lot of questions I know. And I don't expect anyone to answer them for me. But I am starting to think that worrying about said toes are a form of making someone else happy while feeling like I myself could be happier.

I've reached the part of my writing I always reach. That point where it's just a little unclear where the point is going. So I bring it back with another question: do I let go of this desire, or do I say "fuck it, I'm going for mine!"? I want to tell you I'm going for mine hopefully next time we meet I can tell you I did.....


Sunday, September 7, 2014

Daddy to Be...

What's going on Bull Penners!?

First and foremost, please accept my apology for the lack of posts in the past couple of months! Honestly I have not been motivated enough to blog much. Partially because I have been trying to actually live my life away from a screen and keyboard and partially because I've been dealing with anything worth writing about on my own rather than venting through my blog. Did that make sense?

However, I'm pretty sure inspiration will come back in full force in a few months seeing as how your boy is now a father to be!

Yes, you heard and read that right. Antoinette and I are now expecting parents of a little baby girl.

I've been going back and forth trying to decide wether I was going to continue to use this same blog to document this new chapter of my life or wether I was going to start a whole new one... After a small poll on Facebook and my own thoughts I decided that I will start a whole new blog. Don't worry, this does not however, mean that this one will be thrown in the trash! So many of you have been here with me since day one and I wouldn't just leave you hanging like that! I will still use this blog to vent when I need to or to discuss current events in that pattented Eno Bull tone. The new blog which you might even consider a sub blog is simply a separate page dedicated solely to my daughter. In fact it will even be written in letter form addressed only to her. This of course does not mean you can't read it, in fact I'm posting this particular post to share the link with you.

So this is not a goodbye to the BullPen, it will always be here for you guys, just wanted to share that it will be expanding by way of Blog for my baby! Like my boy Will said: From BullPen to PlayPen! Lmao.

With that said, Tha BullPen presents to you: Forever For Zairah

Hope ya follow my new chapter in life, fatherhood.


P.S. If you do not want to bookmark the blog but you want to follow it, the link will always be on the menu bar to the <<<< left right under my posts archives.